Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Iraq War Iraqi People's Fault

Over the last few months I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in US foreign policy statements which is slowly but surely putting the blame on the parlous and tragic situation in Iraq on Iraqis. Take the report in today’s Guardian which quotes the outgoing US ambassador (Zalmay Khalilzad, pictured right) to Iraq saying the Bush administration's patience was wearing thin and urging them to stem the bloodshed.

The chutzpah is breathtaking. The US steams into Iraq, topples the government, makes no provision or plan for the peace and when the situation unravels it blames…the people it invaded.

But, what a great historical gloss. The Iraq war wasn’t an illegal and calamitous chevauchee for oil. It was a just liberal war which only went wrong because of those silly Iraqis and their habit of killing each other. Against our wishes I might add.

P’ah. I’m going to think about Star Wars ‘What If’ situations instead….

Miniature Horses Lure Men Into Local Barn For Oral Sex

Tiny, galloping strumpets entice Christian men to farm solely to engage in ravenous fellatio.

Friday, March 23, 2007

General Tagge

Until recently I had the pleasure of working with Louise, daughter of General Tagge (left)actor Don Henderson. This was obviously extremely exciting- as my brother Owen commented, only he appreciated the threat the Alliance represented to the Death Star and was quite prepared to vocalise it.

Ok, so he was relatively obscure. But, I hear you all cry, surely not as obscure as the Imperial Stormtrooper who pops up after C3PO and R2D2 have landed on Tatooine in Episode IV: A New Hope and says "Look sir, Droids”? If the length of entries in Wikipedia is anything to go by, think again.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Things George Lucas Might Have Done

I've often wondered how the original Star Wars films would have panned out if Darth Vadar had asked Luke Skywalker to help him remove his mask on their first, rather than last, encounter:

Darth Vader: Luke... help me take this mask off.

Luke: But you'll die!

Darth Vader: Nothing can stop that now. Just for once... let me... look on you with my OWN eyes.

[Luke takes off Darth Vader's mask one piece at a time. Underneath, Luke sees the face of a pale, scarred, bald-headed, old man]

Luke: You're a bit f*cking mad, mate.


The Alans

I'm reading a very good book about the fall of the Roman Empire at the moment, the details of which I shall no doubt bore you with later.

I love the fact there was a tribe of particularly ferocious barbarians who stormed across the Rhine in the early 5th century called the Alans. I mean, did they succeed because the Romans just laughed at them and were taken off guard? They were followed by the equally mundane sounding Franks.

What is also quite amusing is that the Alans were wiped out in Spain by the Goths. I imagine a bunch of gloomy teenagers destroying a bunch of used car salesmen on the Sierra Nevada.

There was also a tribe called the Gepids which simply sounds silly.

The only tribe that sounds remotely threatening is the Vandals, but they just make me wonder why the Romans didn’t just slap on an ASBO.

So, one of the greatest civilisations the world has seen was brought to its knees by Alans, Franks, Goths, Vandals and Gepids. Way out.

Thanks

For you kind words, Doug and Antonia.

I'm more pleased for Nicaragua which might also read my blog and perhaps, as a result, be warned off a protracted and ultimately fruitless military campaign against Belarus.

Check mate

And they say chess is played by dateless wonders:

"A 15-year-old Peruvian chess player who didn't come back from a tournament in Argentina has been found - living with a nightclub dancer."

Friday, March 16, 2007

The Mexican Adventure


I have no topical reason for talking about this, so apologies. It’s just that I was thinking about it in the shower this morning.

One of the more surreal events in world history was the decision by the Emperor Napoleon III (The great Napoleon’s rather less great nephew) to put an Austrian Archduke, Maximilian (right), on the throne of Mexico.

Understandably, the somewhat bewildered people of Mexico weren’t entirely happy about an Austrian with an enormous facial hairstyle being made their emperor, supported by French troops (who were presumably equally confused by this latest wheeze of their rather eccentric ruler).

Inevitably, this crazed scheme failed and Emperor Max rather unfortunately shot by firing squad, celebrated in a rather excellent painting by Manet. This drove his wife, who had returned to Europe to generate support for the deranged enterprise, completely bonkers.

The sad thing is Maximilian seems to have been a rather decent chap.

Just shows you, never attack random countries. So, if Hungary declares war on Thailand you know they’ve been warned. By me. Through the use of 19th century analogous examples that have come to me during my morning ablutions. Via a blog no one reads.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Precious little standards







This is quite old now, but still makes me laugh aloud when I think about it. Obviously it's a pretty damning indictment of The Sun's journalistic standards. But what's more funny is that it's so weird! I'd love to see the original article:

"IN an article published on The Sun website on January 27 under the headline ‘Gollum joker killed in live rail horror’ we incorrectly stated that Julian Brooker, 23, of Brighton, was blown 15ft into the air after accidentally touching a live railway line.

His parents have asked us to make clear he was not turned into a fireball, was not obsessed with the number 23 and didn’t go drinking on that date every month.

Julian’s mother did not say, during or after the inquest, her son often got on all fours creeping around their house pretending to be Gollum.

Also, quotes from a witness should have been attributed to Gemma Costin not Eva Natasha. We apologise for the distress this has caused Julian’s family and friends."

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,1-2005192659,00.html

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Reggae Sauce


I saw this guy on the Dragons Den. Levi Roots (what a cool name? His real name is Keith) had instant brand appeal for me. He was obviously savaged by the Dragons, not least for claiming he had an order for millions of litres (it was in fact nothing of the kind).

Still, he got backing and Sainsbury's are stocking his product and it's being produced in a factory in Wales. I have to say that I can't stop snickering at 'jerk sauce'.

Friday, March 9, 2007

Britain AD: A Quest for Arthur, England and the Anglo-Saxons

Confusing I've just finished this book and I have to say found it both interesting and thought provoking (at least to a history nerd like me). It's essentially a discussion of 'Dark Age' Britain and a study of continuity from before the Romans, the occupation and the subsequent departure of the legions in 410 AD.

It seeks to explode the 'myth' of the Anglo Saxon invasions and the belief we have that the Celtic fringes are...well...Celtic and the English south and east are English.

The author Francis Pryor is an expert in Neolithic, Bronze and Iron Age history and has applied the methods used in looking at this earlier period (see, for example, the other book on this theme Britain BC) to Arthurian Britain.

Pryor argues convincingly that there is no evidence for a mass migration of Germanic peoples from the continent and that our understanding of the foundation of the English kingdom is based on a creation myth established by both English and Celtic writers in the later Middle Ages and beyond.

What he maintains is that there was a cultural invasion and that, as in the centuries before and since, eastern Britain has looked eastward to the Continent adopting some its culture, language and beliefs and integrating them with long held local practices. A good analogy is that just because I wear Levis doesn't mean I'm an American. Many of these beliefs pre-date the Pax Romana and indeed outlast it by centuries.

The book deconstructs some established views about which I had many doubts. An example is: where is the evidence for a historical Arthur? When doing my Masters degree I remember asking, with breathless enthusiasm, the eminent archaeologist (who is oft quoted in Pryor's book) Professor Martin Carver who he thought Arthur was. He replied (rather kindly I think) "whatever you wish to believe". This is Pryor's point. There is no firm evidence, historical or archaeological, that supports Arthur, violent battles with Anglo Saxons, depopulation of native Britons by murderous Germans and the imposition of a foreign way of life. Indeed the archaeological evidence suggests a gentle change and subtle adoption of continental ways in the east, and a continuation of a separate, westward looking culture in the west of England, Wales and Scotland.

Despite all this, it left me feeling a bit deflated. I liked those myths. I found the idea of heroic but doomed Celts (after all I am a Celt. Or I thought I was) fighting barbarian hordes incredibly exciting. Now it seems it's load of cobblers. My remaining doubts in Pryor's theory erode by the day. I wasn't not sure about the language bit. Until I remembered that after a bit of interaction with a few thousand British people the official language of millions of Indians is English. Definitely worth a read.

It's murder out there

Judges are saying that we're locking up people (specifically murderers) for too long. So our prisons are now filled with aged, broken people who can't remember, and can no longer engage with, life on the outside. It's blatantly obvious that this is due to the Government's Daily Mail pleasing criminal justice system, which demands mandatory sentencing when often it's completely unnecessary just so the baying horde of Middle England can relax in their 4 bedroom mock-tudor, commuter belt idyll a little more securely .

My own view is that murder should be decriminalised. Making it illegal just drives it underground and makes it impossible to police. We should have murder cafés where small amounts of recreational murder takes place in designated areas so it can be controlled. We should look to the Continent where the Dutch have tried it successfully with cannabis and Belgians with rich chocolates.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Entering the world of bloggage

Ok. I've done it. I've started a blog. I wasn't going to. I kicked against it, screaming like a drunk Tarzan. But I couldn't resist it. Perhaps I was scared about missing out. Whatever it was, the challenge is can I sustain this momentary wave of enthusiasm? Or will this drunk tarzan pass out in a breadfruit tree, to be slowly suffocated by the large boa constrictor of lethargy, deaf to the frenzied shrieks of my hirsuite friend, Proactivity, and break the heart of my civilised girlfriend, Fleeting Amusement?

Whatever happens it seems like I'll be stretching metaphors until they snap like a tired rubber band.