'Barrister got willy out'

Well, if you're going to get your cock out you may as well get hanged for a sheep as for a lamb:

"A DRUNK barrister stunned wedding guests by whipping out his willy, then beating up a man who complained, a court heard yesterday."

Creative output

While singularly failing to achieve anything solidly creative this year, I have managed to put the artistic equivalent of a revision timetable together. Therefore:

My next book will be entitled 'The Pointless Farm'. It will be billed by my (no doubt thrilled) publishers as 'The Archers' meets Fyodor Dostoyevsky's 'Crime and Punishment'.


Dostoyevsky above: Beating a horse to death with an iron bar or Pointless Farming?

My next album will be entitled "Mining for Nickel" and will be less of a musical experience and more of a aural technical overview of the difficulty in extracting nickel ore from hazardous deep shaft mines.

My next painting will be called, rather poetically in my opinion, Dr Strontium's Jaw, and will offend the vast majority of people with its crass avoidance of taste and form.

Right, now to get to work. Oh look, Big Brother's on tonight....

Ashes to Ashes

Seems Keith Richards did snort his father's ashes after all. However:

"The cocaine bit was rubbish. I said I chopped him up like cocaine, not with", said Keith before confirming in an interview on NME.com that the rest of it was 100% straight up legit.

"I pulled the lid off (my father's urn) and out comes a bit of dad on the dining room table. I'm going, 'I can't use the brush and dustpan for this'.

"What I found out is that ingesting your ancestors is a very respectable way of ... y'know, he went down a treat."

Cained

I read with amusement that Michael Caine is releasing an album of chill out music eponymously (well, sort of) entitled 'Cained'. WTF?

"Not a lot of people....er....know...what were we talking about again?"