Leeds to nowhere

Looks like Leeds FC are in freefall. I'm not a Leeds fan but, living close to the city as I do, I know lots. I think it's really sad. It's the result of horrendous management decisions, and a crazy approach to finance which has seen them sell their ground (and even their training facilities) and are still paying wages to players years after the event (I think Robbie Fowler is still on their books ffs).

No doubt everyone responsible will go unmolested to pastures new while lifelong fans try and pick up the pieces.

Still, that will teach them not to support such a crap side.

Police brutality

So, I saw this sign walking past the news agent yesterday saying "York Rape Arrest". I mean Jesus- what happened to handcuffs?

Pope Hope Dashed

Like many red blooded men of my age I was cruelly disppointed not have been elected pope when John Paul II went to meet his boss face to face in 2005. However, I discovered how I might have been here.

Seems like my CV would have been thrown out of the window, being an aetheist who's never joined the clergy. Which is a shame as I'd have called myself Urban, which I think is a pretty 'street' name. Ah well, will have to revisit my ambition to become Emperor of China.

I found the Monkey (cult, must-see Japanese TV programme from the 70s for the uninitiated) opening credits on YouTube and I think it's still really exciting.

I will steer clear from painting a broomstick black and gold and run around hitting things, which I did first time round:

Prussians, Siam and autogyros

A rather funny bit in The Simpsons is when Mont Burns is in the Post Office and asks:

"I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogyro?"

Suffice it to say I checked and Prussia did have a consulate in Siam and autogyros were used (they were just completely bloody useless).

Sudan man forced to 'marry' goat

Marital justice "goat news" for caprine lover:

"When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up."

Reminds me of another story a few years ago about a chef seen having sex with a goat by a trainload of passengers:

"Stephen Hall, 23, lassoed the female goat with a belt and proceeded to have sex with it. A packed Hull to Bridlington train looked on in amazement. Police switchboards were jammed with horrified commuters calling in on their mobiles."

So, this guy sees a goat, gets the 'orn, whips off his belt and starts going at it. Then a train pulls up alongside, aghast holidaymakers returning to Hull from a lovely family holiday in Bridlington, faces pushed up against the misted window, staring out in horror at this bestial romp. And this guy must have just kept going, certainly long enough for what is going on to sink in (so to speak), to get out their mobiles and then to dial in their complaints. Respect.

The strange thing is he was gay and the goat was female.

Sausage misadventure

I wonder if he tried to fax the emergency services when he realised things had gone wrong, à la The Simpsons?:

Lorry driver's sausage gaffe

A German lorry driver set fire to his cab after deciding to cook himself some sausages while driving.

Walter Reckling, 46, kept the small gas cooker for roadside use but decided to use it on the road as he was late with a delivery.
He was cooking two sausages while travelling past Niederwuerschnitz in Saxony, Germany, when the cooker toppled over.

It set fire to the seat which in turn set fire to the cab of the vehicle.

Reckling was treated for smoke inhalation at a local hospital where he was also found to have been three times over the legal alcohol limit.

Thanks again Ananova.

Padwan Learner

My eldest son, Aidan, has recently got into Star Wars. It's obviously a matter of extreme pride for me, and barely disguised concern for his mother.

He doesn't call it Star Wars, of course. It's Robots (or Robotsch as he endearingly calls it). However, at the age of two he is doing Chewie and Darth Vadar impressions, mock fighting with light sabres and pretending to be a space ship (or schpasche schipschs as he refers to them as they blow each other up into fiery fragments on screen).

What's interesting is that, even as a Youngling, Aidan recognises the new films are of an infinitely lesser quality than the originals. He is less patient and his concentration flags, finding distractions in 2p pieces on the floor and unusual yellow scraps of paper on the sofa which he never would even in the poorer scenes of Return of the Jedi.

And glad that I am, I still feel that it will all end in 18 years time on a wind-swept ziaggurat with me announcing I'm his father in the midst of a light sabre fight...

Elks

Finally, a solution to that age old salt/elk problem causing deaths on the road:

Elks used as salt testers

Sweden is employing elks to test the salt used on roads to see which varieties taste the best.

Every year there are dozens of accidents caused by elks standing on the roads licking the salt.

Now the Swedish transport ministry wants to find a type of salt that the elks will not want to eat.

Head of the project Frida Henin: "We want to make sure that the new mixture does not attract elks or reindeer."

The 14 animals will have two months to decide if any of the salt varieties are suitable for road use.

Thanks again Ananova for not letting unpleasant world events interfere too much with news about fussy Nordic types.

United States of Whatever

Clutching a bottle of poor, hastily bought wine, arriving late and flustered at the house party of popular culture as I am, saw this the other day and it made me laugh:

Me so gullible

I've just read Doug's blog and he's just debunked the story about Keith Richards snorting his late father's ashes. Despite Doug's incredulity that anyone should believe that story I actually did.

Whilst it is true to say in many ways I am as gullible as Nigerian email scam victim, it sounds quite plausible to me, given that he says himself event of a nuclear apocolypse, the two things most likely to survive would be Keith Richards and cockroaches.

Sam Fox Statue Scrapped

Serbian fans of Sam Fox will be sad to learn that plans to honour her with a statue have been scrapped. Apparently she'd snubbed them after she discovered it wasn't her singing for which she was revered...